Written in August:
Since we lost Chip in May, I am an emotional hormonal roller coaster. Most days I am paralyzed by something invisible that does not allow me to do the simplest things. Laundry usually happens. But there are days I walk into the kitchen and I cannot function. The dishes are a daunting task so I turn around and walk back out. I have been writing for release, receiving acupuncture, and playing with the boys. I am a burden to my husband because he comes home from working all day to a broken wife who has barely survived a day of doing nothing but watching two boys under 3. Ok, that’s not small, but it’s not the full scope of my occupation.
So, this week I have made an effort to have a list, a plan, and start early. Marking things off a list is a wonderful visual satisfaction. Especially when the task seemed larger than life. This week has been weird because I work Tuesday and Thursday instead of my normal Monday/Tuesday. Lately that is enough mix up to throw me into barely surviving mode. Add that I know I’m putting up peaches on Friday and you have an over-thinking train wreck!
So Monday I had a full day and we accomplished a lot and the boys had fun and it was a great day! SHOCKER!! Tuesday I worked and had 5 patients. I’ve been doing 4 since I had my oldest so that was new for my body. And Wednesday I figured it would be a good idea to see if there was any paint that was still good in the closet. Well, the can I opened was good! But the can was rusted aroung the lid so that meant I HAD to use it because I opened it. My plan was to tackle the cupboard doors in my dining room. They area really pretty stained wood grain even though they’re plywood, but it makes my lightless dining room too dingy. It’s been on my to-do list a long time. I’d been waiting until we had YoLo paint in the budget but that hasn’t happened. So I thought, “I’ll haul the doors outside so the fumes are out there and paint with paint that is going to go bad anyway even though it is VOC and icky!” Great plan for a busy week, right? Wrong.
I knew Clark would NEED to help, so I picked a sponge brush to sacrifice to dirt and weeds and… paint. Found him a board, strapped on the baby, and headed outside to use the open can of paint. I put 2 coats on the doors. The sun was beautiful and they dried quickly. I was excited! It was looking like I was going to even get them rehung before my husband came home and I could wait and see how long it took him to notice! 😀 I have to add that this went much more quickly because my nephews showed up and played with Clark for a while.
I laid the boys down for afternoon naps and hauled my dry but stinky doors in the house. Got the knobs put on and then started looking at the house. And the time. And the supper plan. And my world got small. So small. I felt like I was drowning and was going to break. The living room had pom poms scattered all over because that’s what the boys did while I took the doors off. I needed to keep them responsible and have them pick them up not me. Leave that mess.
The kitchen. Paralyzed. Just do the next thing. “Breath, Sarah.” I timed myself unloading the dishwasher. GREAT! That’s done. Now load it, fast! I did. I found my counters relatively quickly and got dirty dishes in the dishwasher. In that time I had also texted Cody and told him it had been a busy day. Maybe an eat out busy day. And that made me mad. Why can’t I be together enough to do a big task AND my wifely requirements?
The day before I had done some looking at Proverbs 31 and the word virtuous. A woman of morals. But that’s not entirely what the rest of the chapter describes. So I went to the Hebrew.
H2428 is Hayil: strength, might, efficiency, wealth, army. a. strength b. ability, efficiency c. wealth d. force, army
Not exactly what I thought when reading ‘virtuous’ all these years. The Hebrew would have it read that a Proverbs 31 woman is a force to be reckoned with. An efficient, mighty, strong woman that can be counted on to help with everything from finances to the home. That began running through my head as I did dishes. ‘A force to be reckoned with’… ‘An efficient woman’… Right then, I decided we weren’t going to be eating out for supper. I would take a brief break, take my acupuncture supplement of Elm, get some food in me because blood sugar seems to be slightly related to my overwhelmed points, and keep moving.
About the time I sat, the boys got up. We snuggled and read a book or two then I strapped Grant back on, set Clark to picking up pom poms and I started screwing the doors back into place while ‘virtuous woman; force to be reckoned with; woman of strength; help meet; able..’ chanted through my head. I got the doors hung with 45 minutes to spare before Cody would be getting home. I played some with the boys, commended Clark for getting the pom poms picked up then geared toward supper. It wasn’t very far along when daddy got home, and we ate late for normal, but we ate at home. I won! I beat my own worst enemy: MYSELF.
I have to add that my plan was to not tell my husband what we’d done all day but wait for him to notice. That didn’t quite work. He did not notice right off but he was only home about 5 minutes before Clark took him over and showed him. “Look, I did, dada!” Wonderful end to what could have been a disastrous day! Take that devil :]
Have I maintained this attitude everyday since? No. I still have more bad days than good, but that doesn’t mean that’s how God intended or made me. I need to continue to chant ‘force to be reckoned with; help meet; able; woman of strength…’. We all have bad days, don’t let them define you. Instead rise up! Take the power God has given you and defeat the spirit of inadequacy that the devil whispers.